I used to smoke - quite a lot. People are always a little surprised at that, I think I look too sweet, but I was a bonafide gold B&H gal from about fourteen. My addiction worsened once I was at university, I moved to rollies; making tiny thin cigarettes to make my plastic pack of Golden Virgina last through the night and into the early morning.
I finally gave up smoking properly at twenty-seven. I tried lots of things - I used to credit doing The Artist’s Way, writing my own solo comedy show and then taking it to the Edinburgh festival, which allowed me to get to the root cause of my own low self-esteem - but now, more honestly, I realise my ability to stay quit coincided with owning an iPhone for the first time. It replaced the feeling of a pack in the back pocket of my jeans, it gave me something to do while I was waiting - instead of chatting to smokers, I messaged my friends or read their tweets. It filled the void perfectly and was socially acceptable.
The phone helped with the mind restlessness and my hands needing something to do, but you can’t shove it in your mouth to stop you speaking or blurting out your own random internal thoughts. To finally conquer smoking, I took up something else (as well as signing away all rights to my own data), I took up sugar.
To be fair, I’ve always had a sweet tooth, I’ve always checked the dessert menu first, choosing mains and starter that leave space for my preferred pudding. When I did Off Menu, my chosen bread was a pain au chocolat, I’m someone who feels panicky if there’s not something sweet in the cupboard and when I gave up my nicotine addiction, it just got stronger. I also realised I would have to elevate my cravings, if I was going to get dopamine from this regularly (and I need it), it had to be QUALITY, if this was going to replace the hit of a highly addictive chemical, it needed not to be cheap or accessible, Dairy Milk wouldn't cut it baby, it needed to be good cake, cookies, biscuits, brownies…minimum cocoa solids 65%, I know a guy that can get you single origin Venezuela if you have enough to pay him (He’s called Tony’s and he lives in the organic overpriced food shop near you).
Once it fully replaced smoking, I noticed an odd reaction to my newly out and proud sugar addiction. I have the privilege of being able to eat copious amounts of cake, without people commenting on my weight, because (hands up as I shovel cake into my mouth) I am thin, and I am aware that it would be very different writing about this if I didn’t meet society’s bodily expectations. But, what I have found most bizarre is the need to comment on my LOVE of sugar, my enjoyment of cake, chocolate, brownies, pudding in general, the tang of distaste that I am not embarrassed to eat sweet things like this. That I don’t want to hide it, like some old fashioned opium eater, I’m doing it at the table with you and not apologising for it.
I was at a posh house party once, (you know nice furnishings, a garden as big as your own flat, catered food that is better than anything you’ve ever cooked), to my joy, they had a pudding table! So, I piled ‘em up high. A pudding table means you can secure your chocolate course, but also try the citrus/fruity/caramel option as well, which I’d normally have to pass over for not being enough of a cocoa hit. A man, a very important and respected and modern man, commented, that I had been greedy and it wasn’t ‘ladylike’ to have so much pudding on one plate.
I felt confused at first, look I like puddings, but I hadn’t taken all of them, there were plenty left at the table. And then I realised it was because I wasn’t behaving as I should do about the sugar intake. I wasn’t saying, ‘Oh no - not for me’, ‘I’m full actually’ , ‘I don’t like cake’, ‘I shouldn’t!’, ‘Just a tiny bit' or any of the other lies we allow ourself to say so that we don’t feel full, or look greedy or seem as if we aren’t behaving in a way that is fitting for our gender.
It is a political act to eat cake with relish. To say, a big piece please, a huge slab for me, to inhabit the space that is meant only for treats, for little bites, to hold yourself back from its bacchanal pleasures. We must not be greedy we are told, we must not want loudly, it shouldn’t be radical to want cake, but it feels it.
So, I will go the long way home to find the good bakery, I eat cake and tell people with my mouth full how fucking good it is. I always order pudding. Let me eat my fucking cake - I gave up smoking for this and I’m going to enjoy every last damn bit of it.
If you like sugar and want someone to enable you further… I would recommend following Benjamina Ebuehi’s substack Sweet Things. I had to unsubscribe for a bit as I couldn’t keep up with making everything she was emailing me. I’m back on it now…
My honest to goodness best quick treat is a bar of Tony’s, any flavour, even the milk one by itself is great. It’s good quality chocolate, chunky, good flavours. I don’t work for them but I should as it’s embarrassing how much I sound
like their PR.
The greatest hot chocolate? Don’t start talking to me about velvetisers, yes they’re good, but it’s like coffee (I think?) you need quality inside whatever is making it. Pump Street do amazing drinking chocolate, whizz ‘em up with ice cubes in the summer to make the nesquik you actually wanted to taste as a child.
It’s so annoying how many people will say any sugar at all ever is unhealthy because that’s what we all get told! It’s healthy to have joy actually. And definitely better than smoking. Also I get offended when I try and offer people cake on my birthday and they are like “i’m trying to be healthy” …so am I and I want it to include cake!!
Cheering perilously with a mouth full of Tony’s. When I stopped drinking I started ordering sticky toffee puddings in the pub instead, and the SCORN I’ve endured for it